letting go/letting in

April 30, 2014 | 2:13 pm

Always, always a pre-birthday mental maelstrom. Always. Never not. The click of the odometer to a “milestone” birthday makes the evils thoughts spin even faster, deeper.

Fortunately, the very process that trips me up — getting older — is the very thing that helps me get through it. Oh, crazy thoughts, you’ve hassled me before, plenty. So let’s feel these feelings then POOF, let them go.

But this was not where I wanted to be, crazy thoughts whine. I have a self-imposed deadline of being BETTER!

What does that even mean? Why can’t I offer myself the kindness I offer to others? We can all bear witness to the fact that 2013 and part of 2014 was an absolute shitstorm. Of course I’m still recovering! Yet here I am, mourning my lost routines and inability to keep all the plates spinning, even though there are a truly unreasonable number of plates.

And I’m about to see a whole bunch of people I love deeply, people that are good-naturedly¬†cringing as I post pictures of them doing things in their teens and twenties. People that are going to happily don the tiny hats I will bring. People that love me back. So why the weirdness and tears and tearedness?

Because. Just because. I have these false expectations and a whole lot of doubts and a level of anxiety that keeps out the obvious love and support that I receive all day, every day, from people that really, really care.

And, really, even though it sounds trivial, this¬†is pushing along my madness: this shitty, hot, windy, horrible, allergen-filled weather. I stood out in a horrible roaring wind literally all day last weekend, and now we’re just being blasted by this evil dry horror. Can’t sleep, can’t stay awake. I’m sorry about complaining about any other weather type, because THIS, my friend, is the worst.

And I’m trying to get some work done before I leave so I don’t have to work while I’m away, and it’s work that is complicated and labor-intensive and WELL I’M JUST A BIG BABY.

A big birthday baby! I’m going to post again on Friday morning, hopefully with a major attitude adjustment, as I embark on my giant birthday trip and start to feel grateful for things like my HEALTH, my FRIENDS, my PLANS and all the good that’s in my life.

And now my BAD MOOD is derailed, thanks to my friend Dan D, just now, sending me the below. The good thing about me is that even though my shit is complicated, I can snap out of it by any number of bright, shiny objects.


One Response to “letting go/letting in”

  1. Jeana says:

    Another one of my Beckys (Beckies?) described her birthday (yesterday) as the griefiest day of every year. I’m so impressed by both of you. Your honesty, the ability to process the hard emotions…I learn a lot from you. Sending love and cool thoughts your way, friend!