Month: February 2008

Read first:

• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 1
• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 2
• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 3

PART FOUR: BONUS SOUNDTRACK SINGLES!

David’s Song:

Dance Movie Club Single
By Scary Name and Name That White People Over Forty Can’t Pronounce

Listen to me!
Listen to me!

I have an important message that I have to tell you.

I am going to pretend that you are connected to me by referring to you by a disparaging word for my own race.

This message is important because it involves the buttocks of women.

I have a strong opinion about what women should do with their butts.

Especially when they are on the dance floor, there is a certain thing that women should do with their butts.

It is an up and down motion simulating sex. I will now suggest a metaphor for this motion.

Perhaps it will involve a child’s ball or a food product. Has anyone used Jello in a song yet?

Rap Break by Name That White People Over Forty Can’t Pronounce

I am getting paid a lot to say just a few lines in this song.I am going to mention a piece of consumer culture that is presently current, but will date this song terribly in less than a year.iPhone.I also have strong opinions about what women should do with their butts. But, I am also concerned with their size.When women are on the dance floor, I enjoy it when women with large butts are moving in a provocative manner.I like a rutting motion. Back to the song now while I cash my large check.

Have you started moving your butt correctly yet?

Well, you should. Especially if you ever want to get with me.

I am going to suggest that all men like this, but provide no evidence that this is true.

If you aren’t already on the dance floor, I beseech you to start dancing. No, I demand it.

I reassert my strong opinion about what women should do with their butts while they dance.

Then I say something really hateful about women only wanting money.

It’s probably to cover up my hidden gay feelings or sexual insecurities. What women would actually want to love me?

I don’t really like women, but I have to state an opinion about their bodies to maintain my image.

So, in conclusion.

1. Go out on the dance floor.
2. Move your butt up and down with a grinding motion
3. Buy my next single which I advertise in the final line.

 

Becky’s Song:

Less-Popular Dance Movie Club Single
By Attractive Female with One Name

I’ve got an outstanding physical characteristic
That attracts males

The aforementioned characteristic
Is superior to any other.

I taunt and threaten other females
So that they stay away from whom I perceive to be “my” males

I’ve got other excellent personal characteristics
I will name them now [list::insert]

[include earworm-inducing hook, consisting of cheerleader-style chanting, a repetitive nonsense rhyme, and the reuse of short portions of previously-produced sound recordings]

Here are some brands of accessories and clothing that I enjoy wearing
And the alcoholic beverages that I consume

In order to be in my general vicinity of me
It is imperative that you are in a high socio-economic bracket

Now I will repeat the hook over and over so that everyone, including white people over 40, will have no choice but to hear the hook in their heads for months, if not years.

We are glad that you paid to see Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers. The sequel, which will be very similar to the plot of this one, will be out in theaters the next major holiday.

Read first:

• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 1
• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 2

PART THREE: DOES HE SUCCESSFULLY MAKE THE “MOVE”?

Becky H: the foot lands, the ankle twists, the crowd “OOOOooooooh”s …

Becky H: he goes down like a great sequoia falling falling

David W: Slow motion fall seems endless. At the last second the rich kid who hates him steps forward and grabs him.

Becky H: “yo. i don’t wanna win like THIS”

Becky H: [chest taps that indicate respect]

David W: Hero steadies himself. Gives glance to rich kid. Does the move again. Perfect, perfect and…

Becky H: even more perfecter than before. He is unstoppable. He is Prince at the end of “Purple Rain”.

David W: Just when you think he can’t get any perfecter, he gets perfecter!

David W: It’s like the end of Back to School when Dangerfield does a triple Lindy.

Becky H: Oh, we’re working up to the triumphant freeze-frame, I can feel it!

Becky H: But not before the loose ends get hurriedly tied up

David W: Flash foward to a couple kissing, we can’t see their faces. Cut back to slow motion moves…

Becky H: Flash forward to a robe-clad student throwing his/her cap into the air — graduation from the Dance Academy! Cut back to the dancing … triumphant music …

David W: Crowd rushes forward, authority figure appears with a trophy of some kind.

David W: Flashback to wise words from mother.

Becky H: Rich kids huff around (indicating promise of sequel)

Becky H: comic relief character quips the perfectest quip

David W: Gospel choir starts singing a song that eventually turns into a bad ass song previously not featured in the movie as credits begin.

Becky H: Credit crawl. Oh wait, nutty outtake! Crew member gets in the way of shot, everyone cracks up!

David W: Repeated attempts at the same line. For some reason cursing in the outtake is bleeped.

Becky H: Dancing outtake! Maybe the director’s dancing, too! Joyous partying as the scene — and music — slowly fades out.

Tomorrow: Bonus soundtrack singles!

Go to Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 4

Read first:

• Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 1

PART TWO: THE DANCE COMPETITION

Becky H: Blackness. Sound effect: heartbeat giving way to bassline.

Becky H: The “crew” walks towards camera in slow motion.

David W: All freeze. Music reaches high point and crew explodes in dance.

Becky H: Coach beams, tears in his eyes

Becky H: Old friends from the ‘hood beam, tears in their eyes

David W: The music pauses the team poses. Completely still except for their breathing.

David W: It’s time for that move. The one that we haven’t performed successfully in competition yet.

Becky H: Echoes in his head “you’re not good enough-uf-uf-uf … you’ll always be just a chump-ump-ump-ump …”

David W: Shot of authority figures in the audience with looks of concern on their faces.

Becky H: Tension mounts .. the judges shake their heads and moue

Becky H: the crowd babbles in confusion .. peasandcarrots rutabagarutabaga

David W: Cut to super slow mo. So slow a single drop of sweat takes seconds to roll down our heroes face as he begins the move.

David W: hero’s face

David W: He flips back, everyone is locked on him, one flip, two, three, will he make the landing? It always goes wrong with the landing…

Tomorrow: Does he make the landing?

• Go to Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 3

David Wahl is a Seattle improviser, blogger, creative thinker, employee of the funnest place on earth, and much more. Our friendship, aside from meeting briefly in 2006, is based out here in the great e-niverse.

We recently began a game of Scrabulous online. To the right of the playing board, there is a small text message window where David and I, at first, began idly trash talking. But, as you will see, the convo rapidly ramped up to an epic retelling of a story you won’t want to miss.

And now, Wahl and Haycox, verbatim from the text window, with fingers firmly on the pulse of the contemporary zeitgeist, bring you

Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers

Becky H: it’s on

David W: This is more hardcore than Step Up 2

Becky H: that’s right .. i’m flashing angry jazz hands at you

David W: I’m a street kid from the wrong side of the tracks trying to fit into your world

Becky H: I, the talented diva, scorn you. But hey wait, my dance partner just broke his ankle! {midriff glistens}

David W: Oh no, I broke a rule and won’t be able to dance. Unless..

David W: {montage of shirtless muscular chest dancing angry}

Becky H: this is who i AM! dancing is my LIFE!!

Becky H: if we’re gonna dance together we have to keep it strictly professional {eyes wander to slomo shiny man-tage}

David W: Coach, why are you so hard on me?

David W: I’m so hard on you because I WAS you.

Becky H: it’s late .. the competition is tomorrow .. and we just can’t get this step right

Becky H: {cue slow jam}

David W: Embrace, kiss, fade to black…

David W: Cut to: Cheering crowd. It’s show time.

Tomorrow: The dance competition!

• Go to Inspirational Dance Movie Intended for Teenagers: Part 2