Hey there, Mister Loudmouth. Thanks for deciding to come on in to the thrift store, where my friend and I are enjoying a much-needed recreational respite from the intensity of the past 24 hours.

Thanks for setting your spiky-haired head on your wiry shoulders and marching in in that weird, highly-controlled way that just transmits I am trouble and I am going to make sure everyone knows it.

Your desire to see that pair of iPod speakers is evident, in the way you shout to the salesperson hey honey, unlock that case for me now, while jabbering all the while on your cell phone. I congratulate your obvious high self-regard.

As everyone gets skittish around you, you bluster about, demanding to see the manager, right away. Good for you! Now you’re starting to get everyone’s attention. You matter, no one else does.

Now it’s time to test the speakers. Crank up your thrash rock to a truly unbearable level, and stare defiantly at everyone in the store, daring (JUST DARING) us to say something. When someone finally ventures a hey, dude, bring it down please, you interrupt him by offering to fight him, right that second! Because, as you let us all know, this is America and you have the right to do whatever you want.

Then start accusing everyone of accusing you of trying to steal the speakers. How dare us! You are NOT a thief.

No, you’re just plain awesome. Especially in the way you leave, then immediately come back in, demanding to see something that you spied in the window. I’m so sorry that I’m going to miss the next act, as we beat our hasty retreat.

I confess I got a little dizzy while watching you, as I conjured a fantasy of being a Big Giant Fearless Dude. I’d grab you by the throat, for starters. And maybe I’d find a way to make you personally and sincerely apologize to everyone you encountered today. And just for fun I’d crack those stupid sunglasses (that seem to be the Mark of the D-bag) in a bunch of tiny pieces.

Thanks so much for putting tension and anger into my day, I really needed some more stupid crap to make me even more on edge.

Now please, slink back to that muck pile out of which you slimed, and leave us to ourselves. Thanks so much!