step by step instructions

1. Wash face, smile like a dork for the camera
Step one: wash face, smile for the camera

2. Get your lights punched out
Step Two: Punch yourself in the face

Dab on dark brown eyeshadow and blue food coloring. Wet fingers and swoosh around. Add yellow food coloring for highlights!

3. Nip ‘n’ tuck
Step Three: Gettting lifted
Make the surgeon’s marks: cut, lipo, lift. Bloody up the hairline (where the stitches are,) your nose, your chin (where the implant went in.)

4. Bandage the mess up
Step Four: Bandages
Forego the Method technique of padding in the mouth to indicate swelling, as you’ll have trouble talking and drinking.

5. Make your gazongas huge, bruise ’em, then bandage ’em
Step Five: Get a boob job, wear a housecoat

Don’t forget to don a classy housecoat.

6. Put on your shades and gingerly creep around
Scary facelift lady and a naughty Pippi

Make sure to force people to hug you. Then when they do, recoil and hiss through your teeth: careful! ow! CAREful!

And voila, there you have “Scary Facelift Lady,” or: “Me in 20 Years”!

5 Comments

  1. Hannah on November 13, 2008 at 3:17 am

    Thats so good! Very imaginative!



  2. Leanne on November 13, 2008 at 10:00 am

    you are amazing!



  3. cloudy on November 13, 2008 at 10:00 am

    BRAVA! I like pic #2 the best. Very subtle. You would get double takes if you were out & about. People would think you really did get your lights punched out. Everything does look quite sore in the final shot.



  4. dp on November 14, 2008 at 10:55 am

    I could say

    “Wow, I just did some parent/teacher conferences and I think you may have punk’d me? Was that you posing as one of my student’s parents?”

    or

    “Is this a plastic surgery disaster or did you fall off a boat after too many margaritas while listening to Margarittaville?”



  5. t-love-pdx on November 14, 2008 at 11:09 pm

    thanks for such a vivid how-to! perhaps if i get into the spirit of things next year i’ll use your instructions myself.