An actual program listing for a recent episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos:

Pigs attack a van full of tourists; a teen is covered in shaving cream. Also: clips of fishing mishaps; people fainting; amusing moments with dogs.

Part one

“Hang onto your purses!” shrieked Doris as the feral pigs looked up, threateningly, from their meal (such as it was) of hot dogs, Twizzlers and popcorn kernels. They had managed to scale the dumpster in the back of the Regency 12 discount movie theater on McKinley Avenue. It was unfortunate timing that brought the tourist van to a shuddering stop in front of the pigs. A van full of tourists holding doggie bags from their Mongolian Barbecue meal just a dozen minutes ago.

Doris and her sister Janice had saved up their bingo money to come to the Big City for a weekend of absorbing the sights. They had not read the articles about the pig problems in the downtown area. They had been in the process of counting their cash in anticipation of the Hallmark store when the van stopped, and did not start again.

“I think they’re coming,” hissed Doris.

Janis rolled her eyes and was about to accuse her sister of being dramatic when she heard the clatter of small hooves on asphalt.

“Sacrifice the doggie bags!” screamed the tour guide as the van began to rock, beset by snuffling, oinking, living pork.

Part two

Doris’s son Tony had opted to stay behind in their Super-8 Motel room out beyond the water treatment plant. He was lying on the bed in his shorts, watching infomercials and reading his mom’s copy of Us Magazine. He was entranced by an article titled “Hot Celebrity Summer Beach Bods” — pages of high-gloss, color photos of famous people caught by paparazzi, wearing as little as possible as they frolicked, flatteringly, in the waves.

What captured Tony’s attention was not the underweight, strangely shiny females in their bikinis, but rather the smooth, sculpted torsos of the male celebrities.

Tony looked down at his own less-than-sculpted, and very hairy, torso. He sighed. He glanced at his Aunt Janice’s Lady Bic razor and mango-scented shaving cream on the bathroom counter. He knew what he had to do.

Part three

Outside, on the motel’s second floor balcony, Karl cast his fishing pole line down below into the swimming pool. He had been drinking heavily the night before and had, on a dare, had flung himself into the pool, fully clothed. Several items had floated out of his pockets, including a photograph of his beloved (and long since pawned) motorcycle. This, to him, was the perfect opportunity to test his new fishing rod and tackle, bought in anticipation of tomorrow’s outing with his workmates at the “Hector’s Catch-it-Yerself Manmade Trout Pond and Fish Hatchery.”

He jiggled the pole, trying to catch the photo, immersed in black thoughts about the motorcycle, his ex-wife, and his dead-end job at the Mongolian Barbecue. Suddenly, the line caught. For a wild moment, he forgot where he was and thought he had managed to catch a trout. He pulled, hard, on the line — the hook of which, in actuality, was snagged on the pool filter cover. One more strong yank was enough for him to lose his footing, smash through the balcony railing and plummet towards the concrete below.

Karl landed with a mighty thud on top of Mavis, a permanent resident of the Super-8, who had chosen that moment to sit on a chaise with a cigarette and her small chihuahua Philippe — both of which were borne aloft from the impact.

Part four

Philippe landed safely in the arms of Doris, who at that moment had limped in through the pool gate with Janice. Both were scratched and bruised, but still clutching their doggie bags.

A door slammed open nearby. Karl, Mavis, Janice, Doris and Philippe looked up to the second floor balcony, just as Tony, who was startled by the thud outside, rushed out of his room. The momentum propelled him off the edge of the railing-less balcony and he landed with another thud on top of Karl — who, of course, was still atop Mavis.

The sight of her shaving cream-covered son hurtling off the balcony was too much for Doris. She slid to the concrete, setting Philippe down before fainting dead away.

Part five

Everyone stood (or laid) stunned. It was Philippe who broke the silence by letting out an enthusiastic yip-yip as he trotted towards the Mavis/Karl/Tony human mountain. Before anyone could stop him, Philippe scaled the pile of humans, stood on Tony’s back, and lapped at the mango shaving cream.

End.