I had an interesting few days, when everything in my body decided to exit out in a most garish and horrifying manner, accompanied by a constant, low-grade fever that roasted me slowly but in no way deliciously. Fortunately, it was foul but fairly brief — like being trampled by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (I’ve always kind of dug the Four Horsemen imagery. Where did that come from? I’m too trampled-feeling to look it up right now. It’s not a biblical thing, is it? Uh oh I’m digressing, linear thinking was the first thing I threw up, apparently)

Ok! So! Since this was going on the second half of the week, I was home anyway, and supposed to be working at my nonprofit job (a job that doesn’t offer sick pay). By yesterday I kept thinking that I was well enough to sit up and do some work, so I’d lurch out of bed then trace a loooong, slooow arc around my apartment before collapsing back into bed, where I’d get sucked into another nap and another few hours of television.

And, since my body really would like me to be a nocturnal creature (complete with giant eyes and a pouch!), I found myself awake and almost perky at random, wee hours. I kept the TV on and would absorb programming at intervals. Here are three totally wacked out moments that came my way:

A “Land of the Lost” parody that was just so weirdly hilarious. I had to look that one up: it was Saul of the Mole Men on [adult swim]. Somebody, go watch it and see if it’s funny when not accompanied by a 101 degree temperature.

On yet another home makeover show (they are the cancer of cable TV these days, good god), a bedroom was being demo-ed and reno-ed (or whatevero-ed). The host and homeowner were standing in the bedroom, the doorway of which was fitted with a flimsy aluminum door. The host said “shhh, watch this!” and made a elaborate show of silently peeling a banana. Suddenly, the carpenter smashed through the door, grabbed the banana, and devoured it with blank-eyed intensity. Later in the same show, the carpenter was made to sit in the corner because he damaged some molding. Odd and amusing exception to the prefab dialog dreck that normally grace these shows.

Triumph the Comic Insult Dog interviewed Ralph Nadar on Conan O’Brien. I’ve always felt lukewarm towards the Triumph bit, but good god, he just went at Nadar, accusing him of fucking up the 2000 elections while Nader stammered and yammered and made bad jokes. I usually am much more softhearted and hate attacks like that but oh, it felt so good. Insane. Insane that it took a man attached to a weird, rubbery hand puppet to say what I’ve been silently screaming these eight years.

I found the clip online. Here’s an excerpt of the transcript:

Triumph: Admit it: you just tried to get your name out there, right? ‘Why did Al Gore lose? Because of Ralph Nader!’

Ralph: Dogs should not tell lies. The Republicans stole it from them…

Triumph: They stole it but it would’ve been harder to steal if you hadn’t campaigned in Florida!

Ralph: No, actually.. Gore won the popular vote..

Triumph: You did — c’mon, you screwed Al Gore! You campaigned in the swing states!

Ralph: Politics has gone to the dogs with two parties …

Triumph [in singsong voice:] You campaigned in the swing states! You campaigned in the swing states!

Here’s the clip:

Here’s the direct link.

Postscript: I’m going to have to track down that home makeover clip. The I think about it the more it seems like delirium. Also, I’m feeling better, thanks for asking, but still experiencing intermittent heave-ho in the stomachal region. Many thanks to Gary, who brought liquids that first really bad day. Someday I’ll eat food and see humans again. Maybe I’ll eat some humans, too. What? Hi!