[originally found here]

My mystical experience with Hello Kitty & friends (excerpt)

How can I explain the depth of my Sanrio religious revelations? How could I hope to explain how much it means to me? It must be experienced through endless study, mediation, and shopping. I could talk for days about my quest for enlightenment, and my spiritual guide, Tuxedo Sam. Tuxedo Sam accompanied me on all my pilgrimages, saying he wanted to help. I could tell you of how I found Kerokerokeroppi seated in divine serenity on his lily pad, his huge eyes seeing all, as he compelled us toward Nirvana simply by living Ribbit. I could tell you how I cried when the nails went through Zashikibuta’s hands, and how I rejoiced when he rose 3 days later. Of course I will never forget how My Melody appeared before me and miraculously filled my cloak with flowers; the shrine I built to house her image draws streams of pilgrims to this day.

All of this, however, is almost commonplace compared to the time I found HELLO KITTY herself. I can not explain the experience, I can only tell you what I remember of it.

It took 40 days for Tuxedo Sam and I to cross the great burning desert. I was half crazy with thirst, but Tuxedo Sam was eternally cool. At last we reached the Great Palace, a riot of red and grey stone intricately carved 20,000 years ago, the spires reaching to the sky. I hesitantly knocked on the 5 story high mahogany door. A voice inside droned, “Who seeks entrance?”

“A humble pilgrim”, I said.

“And Tuxedo Sam”, added the spiffy one.

A thunderclap struck. I was suddenly whisked a great distance… I couldn’t tell if it was up or down. As soon as my eyes could focus, I found myself next to Tuxedo Sam in an enormous domed room surrounded by great towering round columns, all of black marble.

In front of me was a sight that made every follicle of my hair stand on end, a sight simultaneously by far the most beautiful and the most repulsive I had ever seen. There, on a giant golden throne, was HELLO KITTY herself!! Despite the chill air of the marble hall, I broke into a uncontrollable sweat as I fell to my knees and bowed down. I was unable to take my eyes off her. HELLO KITTY looked different here in her throne room than the images of her I had seen before. She was huge. Her red hair ribbon had been replaced with a bejeweled crown. Her great mouthless head seemed larger, rounder, and more brilliant than the sun. HELLO KITTY had an uncountable number of arms.

The mitten-like paws of some held swords, others bowls of blood, others fistfuls of dollars, yen, pesos, and deutchemarks. I could not count the number of rapidly writhing short stubby arms which seemed to exist in many more than 3 dimensions. HELLO KITTY wore a necklace of sculls of humans, animals, and Disney characters. Something in the pit of my stomach told me that one of those skulls was my own. Other than this gory jewelry, HELLO KITTY wore nothing from neck to waist, and the sight of her 3 pair of impossibly full round feline teats would have immediately impelled me to rush forward to grab and suckle had I not been paralyzed with fear. I had never felt so alive before…and yet at the same time, never so close to, so intimate with, death.

As HELLO KITTY uncrossed and recrossed her shapely legs beneath her silk skirt I got a view that made Sharon Stone look like a man in comparison. I immediately went more rigid than I thought possible as I ejaculated blood.

“Hello, Hello Kitty”, said Tuxedo Sam.

A voice answered back, louder than a thousand rock concerts, with words which seemed to stretch from pole to pole, from the lowest hell to the highest heaven: “I AM HELLO KITTY, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!”

“I love you, Hello Kitty!” I cried, as bowed repeatedly before the magnificent awesome presence. “I — I love you, Hello Kitty ! I love you, Hello Kitty!” Tears poured from my eyes, I trembled all over, and I longed for HELLO KITTY to kill me then and there, except that more than anything else I wanted to spend eternity bowing and repeating, “I love you, Hello Kitty! I love you, Hello Kitty!”

A small voice to my side added, “I love you, Hello Kitty.” Tuxedo Sam tipped his stylish hat, saying, “Goodbye, Hello Kitty”, as he coolly waddled over to a door under a red neon sign marked “EXIT”.

“Goo– Good bye, Hello Kitty!” I stammered as I rushed to follow the elementary penguin out the egress.

I don’t remember any of what happened for over a year after that. But I have never, not for a second, stopped thinking about HELLO KITTY since.