My dear friend and ex-lovar D offered access to his New York City apartment while I’m there. D doesn’t live in the country, so this sweet pad in a very prime Manhattan location sits empty most of the time. Perhaps I’ll just move there and not tell him.

The only things that I promised to do is to get the toilet fixed (my dear sweet handy sister will be staying with me! I’ve already hinted heavily she has a little homework ahead of her), and to make a copy of the keys to his front building and apartment door.

I guess the front building door key is a key that is in a Special Shape, a Shape that causes Great Discomfort in all locksmiths. It seems like a normal key, and is not stamped with any “do not duplicate” warnings, but it is NOT a normal key; it was a nearly impossible task to get that little asshole replicated. I went to ALL THE LOCKSMITHS IN TOWN (literally, literally!) and here were my results:

Lowe’s:
“Ooooh, no no no, we don’t have the blank for this. Try Plaza Keys or that kiosk off Borchard or Tri-County (suggested on a Saturday afternoon, when none of these places were open. For it would be madness for a key copy place to be open on 2pm on a Saturday, right?)

Tri-County (after coming back when it was open):
“That’ll be 40 dollars to copy this key.”
“$40? Why??”
“Because it’ll be 40 dollars.”

That kiosk place off Borchard (which, tragically, is not called “The Key-osk”):
“Oh, nuh uh, no. Try Plaza Keys. You need a real place.” (huh?)

Plaza Keys:
“Oh, that type of key can’t be copied. Well, it could be copied for $100.” (what kind of effed up corrupted world is this? bribe a dude to go zzzt brrrrt zzzzrt on a piece of metal for like a minute?)

Ventura Locksmiths:
“Hi! Need a key copied? Sure!” (5 minutes, 17 bucks and +27 blood pressure points later, I got a shiny new replicant. I still think $17 is a little high, but who’s complaining? Not me, no sir!)

Wow, a blog post about keys. Fortunately, this all made me remember “Keys to Your Heart”, a bouncy little number by the 101ers, Joe Strummer‘s first band. This was included on almost every mix taped mixed by yours truly back in, you know, the day. And, thanks to the magically swirly sparkle of the internet, here it is for your listening pleasure.

[link]

I found the keys keys
Yeah the keys to your heart heart
Yes I got them on a chain chain
When the doors come apart part
We’ll never be the same same!

OMGYG this is it — I’m off to wedding and vacation land! I’m still a little anxious about various things, but I have a feeling that a couple hours of doing the Electric Slide on both coasts will take the edge off. I’m going on a plane plane!