The perils of watching an entire television series in a compressed period of time, facilitated by Netflix:

• Developing a involuntary addiction, even if the show isn’t that good
• Listening to the DVD commentary by jackasses that blow plotlines for future episodes, even seasons
• Having to plug one’s ears and go la-la-la when anyone discusses the newest shows being broadcast
• Getting a creepy feeling that one lives inside the show, somehow

I’m looking at you, Lost. Like dealing with low-grade heroin or a mildly abusive boyfriend, I sigh and reluctantly consume the next DVD (and the next, and the next) with a sense (like all the Lost cast) of grim determination, my face set permanently in a Sawyer-like white trash scowl.

The writers lean on lazy plot go-tos that are glaringly obvious when you watch a dozen eps back to back:

• Subduing someone by administering a blow to their head, whereby they become unconscious for exactly the right amount of time, then revive with no side effects. Head injuries are not that predictable, and if one is severe enough to cause a blackout, it’s extremely serious. Have we learned nothing from that poor nice English lady on the bunny slope?
• Tripping and falling in the jungle in order to create suspense or allow the pursuer to catch up. I suggested, on Facebook, that we make a drinking game around it, and Adam said “You’re going to be so drunk. In, like, five minutes.”

In fact, my Facebook friends contributed more lazy to-gos/possible drinking games:

• Dave: “Have a drink every time someone says Dude, When are we or whenever Ben acts shady.
• Amanda: “Or when Kate’s hair is in her face. Oh, wait, that would take an IV.”
• Stacey: “Do a shot every time someone says hey… . Seriously, that happens at least 7 times an episode.”

Apparently, MY lazy plot device is the bullet list, because here’s another. My FB friends and I also want to know:

• Where are the sunglasses, hats, sunburns, gout, rotten teeth, sunstroke, infections that couldn’t heal, scurvy, ugly people?
• Why so moody and STARE-y? And the grim determination, why all the grim determination?
• Why are they so wasteful with paper and so blasé with pens?

I’m deep inside Season 3, which seems to be the Season of People in Captivity.

I was talking with my sister A. about her and her husband M.’s impending visit, which I’m greatly anticipating:

Me: I want you and M. all to myself the first couple days!

A: Haha, that’s so nice. I …

Me: No. I’m serious! All to myself.

A: OK, great, but …

Me (in tone of grim determination): Like maybe a cage, I could put you in a cage!

A: What?

B: Like the Getty, we could go to the Getty!

Plus that cheesy urgent-drumming music that goes through my head every pre-dawn morning as I’m rushing for the bus. I need help.