Originally I was going to post satirical, TripAdvisor-style reviews of the homes I would be staying in this week — this 10-day stretch during with I’m technically homeless as I wait to move into my new apartment (Monday 12/16 can’t come fast enough).

However, on second examination, it seemed snarky and unkind, even jokingly making judgments on friend’s homes they so graciously opened to me.

Not to mention: this whole process got rocked by scandal very early on. Scandal! Darling Andrew of Santa Barbara’s home was the first stop in my couch surfing tour. I had high hopes on every level — Andrew is a kind and entertaining friend; his home is lovely and eclectic; he is a detailed-oriented guy.

However. Well, however. There was a problem when I first got there. A problem that might have affected a TripAdvisor-style rating. A problem I won’t go into here, as THIS is what accompanied my breakfast coffee.

A bribe. Andrew bribed me to keep my mouth shut.

And I accepted it. And bought myself lunch.

So, suffice to stay: “Staying with Darling Andrew was perfection, from beginning to end! Not a single luxurious moment was marred by ANY PROBLEM WHATSOEVER. A++++++++!”

Plus, the cat jumped on my shoulder.

Fun. Ultimately a little sneezy, but fun. I had never had a cat jump on me and command me to be their personal limousine before in my life.

After leaving Santa Barbara, I moved on to Ventura to J and T’s, which is lovely. And there was a dog.

“Would bite again! A++++++!”