p.u.

For every it’s/its ridiculousness by which I get incensed, I encounter a chunk of poorly-edited text that makes the decline of our civilization totally, totally worth it.

A Concerned Citizen of Oxnard, California, a Citizen whom we’ll call “Mabel”, has been feeling and smelling the funk, the funk that’s been covering the county like a blanket under whom someone has prepared an evil dutch oven. We join her as she writes to our local independent newspaper — whose proofreader obviously was fired, is a moron, or is dead. Her Letter to the Editor, titled “What’s that smell?”, is a masterpiece:

As most Oxnard and Ventura residents know, we have been experiencing terrible smells at different times and on different days for the last two or three months. Sometimes the smell is enough to make you choke.

That’s a lot of funk. I haven’t smelled this chokey perfume. Is it wrong to really want to smell it?

Hang on, check that. I don’t want to experience the side effects:

Our eyes water and turn red and we start whizzing for no reason at all.

I have enough problem with the sudden, unexplained whizzing already. You should see my Depends bill. {rimshot cymbal crash laff riot hey!}

Oh, my. It gets worse:

I could not identify the smell March 21, so I assumed it must be a dead body, it was so repulsive.

Fortunately, our Mabel is rattling the cage of the county. She spoke to a Health Department official:

They said they will try to come out and identify the odor. If enough people call they will definitely come out and try to identify the rancid order … I don’t know about the rest of you guys but this smell is terrible …

Finally, she rallies the troops:

I think we can get rid of this smell together. Please pass this on to your neighbors and ask for their help in this.

That’s right! If we just all close our eyes, and concentrate, and push, and .. oopsie!

Apologies to all Good Citizens, well-intentioned but underfunded independent newspapers, and those who do not like posts rife with fart-uendos. The end.

Photo: Pink Ink Breath Stink, by mary.streepy. Thanks for letting me use it!

it's vs. its
And thanks to Bob the Angry Flower!

1 Comments

  1. Violet on April 22, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I am for any smell that inspires spontaneous whizzing in the general population, so I cannot join the effort to concentrate and make it stop.

    Also, I know you don’t have the answer to this, but I’m wondering why Mabel was so certain that the smell could be traced to a dead body. It sounds to me like Mabel is engaging in a little subtle Black Dahlia-killer newspaper-taunting. Sure, she needs practice, but should we not congratulate her efforts? I plan to spontaneously whiz on her, should I encounter this Mabel.

    XO
    Vio