Thanks for the support in my blog’s comments and in my real life (is there a difference?) regarding the loss of my friend. Those of us who knew him are still kind of shocked and wrung out. I got the news on Saturday morning and have been sinking lower and lower as the reality gets absorbed. A growing-horror kind of feeling.

Sleeplessness and lack of exercise has not helped. I am tired and sluggish, and much more prone to sadness and overwhelm-ed-ness. My hip flexor injury has been the excuse not to move this past weekend, even though it’s feeling a little better and I certainly could have tolerated some non-impact exercise. Instead, save for a quick orgy of beers and nachos on Saturday night, I have been slow and sad and inward.

These ingredients are all part of a grim recipe for the Big D. Depression. Oh yes.

But oh no! I’m not going to let it happen. Grief is not depression. I need to feel my feelings, but also need to take care of myself every way I can.

So here we go. I am about to go to a yoga class with a great teacher — she is aware of my gimpiness, and has been helping me have great yoga sessions, but with careful modification to accommodate my hip. It’s a kickass class, but a safe kickass class. Exactly what I need.

So I’m going to check in now, then check in after the class. I’m hoping the positive contrast between before and after will help me remember how transformative a little bit of meditation and exercise can be.

PRE YOGA SCAN

• Exhausted
• Sad
• Difficulty with attention
• Day dragging, dragging on
• Achy all over
• Neck is tight and pinched
• Perceiving people’s confusion as stupidity
• Periodic feeling of unreality or hyperreality
• Inability to listen to any more Rapture BS
• Googly eyed (from staring motionless at computer screen)
• Shoulders sore
• Little headache
• Easily irritated, dammit
• Quick to be overwhelmed

Okay, I’m back from class. The teacher is so great. She smiled when she saw me, reminded me not to push myself too much, then proceeded to make me sweat.

POST YOGA SCAN

• Feeling of clarity
• Didn’t swear at traffic on way home once
• Sleepy but good sleepy
• Feeling of gratitude for health, well-being
• Admired beautiful evening
• Shoulders, neck relaxed
• Hungry!
• Did not feel resentment at having to do some work tonight
• Felt heart fill with love while watching baby sloths
• Felt a connection with the bigger flow of the universe
• Feel very blessed and lucky to have all that I have
• Still sad about Jon
• But the grief’s in its proper place now

When one prepares for yoga, one can dedicate one’s practice to someone — a nice way to focus and transmit positive energy. Perhaps you felt a little bit of warmth or energy recently. That’s because I dedicated my practice to you who are reading this. Thank you!