Gazpacho. I’m mad for the stuff. Cold vegetable soup might not be your bag, and if this is the case, back out now and I’ll regale you with my usual non-recipe ravings shortly. If you’ve not had it and are curious, or have had it and are mad for it yourself, keep reading!

There are as many recipes for gazpacho as there are stars in the hot summer sky. The instructions below are for the most magical blend of all. It is based on the Moosewood Cookbook recipe, with tweaks and suggestions by my friend Kevin C and myself. If I can master making gazpacho, anyone can, especially if you have a food processor. Here’s a text version of the recipe with no pictures nor editorial comments. Below is a more “interesting” version with “helpful” visual elements.

The recipe mentions mincing, but feel free to make your pieces larger, more on the chopped side. I prefer my soup this way.

Cucumber, 1 medium. I used the whole of a big English cucumber, because I love the cuke. Chunk it up as skillfully as you see here and throw it in the processor. Or, if you’re doing it the amish way, chop away. Leave a few larger chunks if you love the cuke. The recipe recommends removing the seeds; if you use an English cuke, you don’t need to do this step. I’m sorry I used the word cuke so much.

Garlic, one clove. Here, I’m throwing in a healthy dose. Note: After this gorgeous photo was taken, I threw this spoonful into the processor to get the pieces a bit smaller. Not a fan of the big chunks of raw garlic.

Scallions, 4. This is where Kevin makes a suggestion to the recipe: omit the suggested onion and increase the scallion amount (about four of them.) I’m never clear on how much of the green part you’re supposed to use, so I kind of go halfway. They’re a bitch to food-process, so I sigh heavily and reach for my knife on this one.

Lime and lemon juice, oil. I am trying to distract you from the fact I used juice from a plastic lime by posing it a movie card from Night of the Iguana. Recipe calls for juice of 1/2 lemon and 1 lime. Whatever, just freeform! Also, add 2 TB olive oil. I don’t know if this really is necessary — I often forget and can’t tell.

Spices, herbs, and … honey? My pepper test tube is labeled as saffron. Try not to be confused. Add some salt and some pepper. Add 1/2 tsp cumin, 1 tsp tarragon. Who am I kidding — I don’t know what tarragon is, and refuse to spend money on it, so I throw in some sage. (Same diff! said the culinary dimwit.) Chop up parsley and basil, and may I suggest some cilantro? Also, the recipe calls for 1 tsp honey. Sometimes I throw in the honey, sometimes 1/2 tsp sugar instead, sometimes nothing. Oh, back to the cumin — go easy on it unless you want the gazpacho to stray from its spanish roots and go little more salsa-like.

Corn. This is Kevin’s genius addition. White corn — throw into boiling water for about 7 minutes, strip the kernels off 1/2 an ear. Go mad from the delicious sight, stop your preparations to eat the other half of the ear [pictured]. Oh, man: SUMMER, GOOD.

This is where you can free form. Try some minced radish, the way Kevin likes it! Or celery, like I had at the Beachside. Or beets, like the Soj.

Tomatoes, tomato/vegetable juice. Dice a couple tomatoes, throw them in. Then cover the whole mess with 4 cups of tomato or V8 style juice — latter is preferred by me. Ironically I am not the hugest fan of the tomato.

Chill in non-metal bowl. Chill the soup, overnight if you possibly can stand it. Wait until you’re super hot and sweaty and cranky then sit down and sip a bowl. Heaven.

Eat, eat! Get some ciabatta bread from My Florist in Ventura, maybe broil a couple pieces topped with the best cheese in the world, and freeze some grapes. Drink some iced water in an awesome glass you found at the flea market. Stare out the window. Sing a little tune. Get yourself some more.

You might have to go ahead and trust me, me the culinary non-genius, on the deliciousness of this.