i didn’t mean to hurt you

My weekend was not quite what I expected it to be. One would think that Friday would’ve set the tone — it was the reception for my quilt show! My friends were there! It was awesome!

Alas. Saturday was an epic misadventure that, among other things, brought me into the city of Oxnard four different times in 5 hours. Not there’s anything wrong with Oxnard itself — just the four-times-in-five-hours aspect. Why all that traveling, I’ll keep to myself, except I’ll tell you that the reasons included, in part: a Lexus dealership, a broken leg and arm, and two pairs of brand-new LL Bean trousers for gents.

That evening’s improv show (in which I performed) was a depressing experience for me for a variety of reasons, and by the time I got home, my brain had begun a downward spiral of alienation, paranoia, and a malaise that began upon realizing I’m not on vacation anymore.

Sunday: so much worse. Stress, lady problems, and allergies combined, creating a perfect storm so that a migraine emerged, triumphant, upon awakening.

I tamed it enough to regain my will to live, and be able sit up and watch a lot of movies. And things slowly started getting better, everything bad started to subside.

And then I did something really stupid.

So, brain of mine? I’d like to apologize.

I, dear brain, should not have noticed that Requiem for a Dream was on at 11pm.

And I should not have asked myself how bad could it be? after literally dozens of people I trust have told me it’s the most harrowing movie they’ve seen.

And I shouldn’t have watched the whole thing. Really.

Because the dreams I suffered through, no doubt made extra horrifying in my weakened state, are still making me wince, way deep in my soul.

I have lived alone for years and have hardly ever felt weirded out or unsafe. But it took just one night of malevolent broken-kaleidoscope dreams — culminating with one of a smiling suburban couple scrabbling and “yoo-hoo”ing at my apartment door, intent on murdering me — to make me cower in my bed from 5am onward.

Brainie, I promise, promise to take better care of you. You’re all I got.

By the way, things are much better —  the stars have realigned, the suburban couple gave up their mission, and all’s right again with the world.

I have never been happier to welcome Monday.

4 Comments

  1. cardiogirl on March 16, 2010 at 1:51 am

    I have no idea where that photo up there came from — the movie, your aunt a random freaked out chick — doesn’t matter, the site of it is freaky all on its own. I suppose that’s a stellar example of acting, eh? Being able to convey a strong mood just through a photo.

    Is that Dianne Wiest with red hair?



  2. LJ on March 16, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Freaky picture. Isn’t that the mom from “Carrie”? She’s a freaky actress period!

    But on to Becky – dear heart – tomorrow will be better! Don’t hold me to that, but I’ll put it out there anyway!
    Hugs.



  3. Becky on March 16, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Thanks for the comments! Today is a much better day!

    That is a screen shot from Requiem for a Dream — you were both almost there but not quite. It’s Ellen Burstyn, who played the mom in the movie. She’s addicted to diet pills. That’s all I’m gonna say. Don’t see the movie!



  4. cardiogirl on March 17, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Augh. I just re-read my comment and I spelled sight wrong. I *meant* to write: “the SIGHT of it is freaky all on its own.”

    Too much time spent surfing web sites (not web sights.)