these times
I am moving in a month, a major change necessitated by my dire financial situation. I am going to live with an elderly relative in the area for a while, so that I can try to save money to pay off the various wolves at my door. This works well on paper — my relative needs care, I need free rent.
Off paper though, I have been struggling with feelings of shame, anger, plenty of denial. Waiting and waiting for the acceptance stage.
I was hoping to not talk about it here; my birthday is nigh and I wanted to focus on the party, and on my upcoming trip to Seattle, and on anything else, really. But giving the 30-days notice today to my property manager kind of slapped some reality into me.
And then realizing just now that I lost my friggin Nano — the one I just bought (to replace the one I left on the airplane earlier this year), my essential music supplier, a device I cannot to afford to replace, yes, THAT one — has just opened floodgates of frustration and self pity and loneliness and all those useless, stupid, swirly emotions.
But hey. With this move I have an opportunity to take the day to day pressure off, and to really think about my next steps (which may entail leaving this town), and to be of service, and to chill. If I squint, I can make out the slightest shimmer of a silver lining.
Between here and there, however, are a lot of boxes, so many boxes. And bubble wrap — not the fun kind. Does anyone not despise moving? Especially when one doesn’t really want to move?
Stupid Nano.
If your misery needs some company, we feel the same way, but with opposite reasons. My husband is finishing his master’s degree, which is written but which his university won’t let him present for stupid university-type non-reasons. That said, it’s lucky that he hasn’t graduated yet, because after months of searching for a job, he still hasn’t found one. Which at least leaves us the admittedly measly research stipend the university offers him. It was beyond a stretch with 3 people, but since we’re soon to be 4, it can seem a bit dire around these parts some days.
Now we dream of the days when we’ll be drowning in bubble wrap, off to live somewhere that is not Florida (please, Lord!) and giving our 30 days’ notice because we’re off to greener pastures that are hopefully closer to family. Then again, we hope that is not before mid-June, because if it is, we won’t have any health care and we that might be a bit of an issue with the whole childbirth thing.
Why, oh why, can’t we all just be rich? Good luck with your nano. We were stressing about a coupon for a free burrito at Chipotle last night, and that was bad enough. We did find our coupon, though, so I think you’ll find your nano. I really do.
Oh sweet Lady Hambox! The only thing we can count on in this life is change. I hope you can find a way to embrace this difficult time and focus on that silver lining. Good things will come of this…and I don’t mean that like a Pandora “think positive!” kind of way – which I think you know. I just know that the dark times of my life (so far) have brought some amazing new experiences which I could see (sometimes much) later on. You are giving a great gift to your elderly relative and that’s some damn good Karma. Keep the faith, my love. Come to Petaluma when you need a llama break. We’ll put some pork ribs on the BBQ for ya’.
Chapter changes in life can be a good thing. Even when they don’t feel like a good thing. I suck at change and avoid it at all cost. Which is why I think I live in it perpetually. You will survive this, and you’re doing a good thing for someone who needs it (the elderly relative). You are a better person than I. And can I go visit Tristy in Petaluma? I love llama farms.
I can commiserate with you too…. I have been struggling with changes in my life as well. Nothing so big as a move….but time management and bill paying have become paramount to me lately. And losing iPods seems to be my favorite hobby…..I think I have lost or had stolen a total of three in the past year or so. Ugh!
Look up! It’s the sky….it is the same for all of us and it is not falling. Take heed of that fact and trudge on through the sludge. We all will get stronger!
You are doing the right thing. It is a hard thing, this move, but the best in the long run. Good luck with all the packing & moving. I wish you speediness & smoothocity with the transition & getting settled. Hopefully someone cool found your Nano & the music is not wasted. and OMYGODYOUARECOMINGTOSEATTLESOON!!!!!