Posts by hamblog
last night’s mystery
Who was that barefoot middleaged lady standing on the sidewalk in front of an improv theatre last night? The one who insisted on a “field trip” to the dive bar around the corner? The one who refused a piggyback ride but accepted the ride offerer’s shoes to wear? Size 11 men’s sneakers? The one wearing…
Read Morechirp
I love talking birds, so weirdly wonderful. My parent’s friends had a Mynah bird named Hector. He could laugh, meow, and imitate the flushing toilet. He could say “my name is Hector” and “you aaaaare…”. About that second one: apparently the family tried to teach him to say “you are drunk” but he could only…
Read Morefan fiction
An actual program listing for a recent episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: Pigs attack a van full of tourists; a teen is covered in shaving cream. Also: clips of fishing mishaps; people fainting; amusing moments with dogs. Part one “Hang onto your purses!” shrieked Doris as the feral pigs looked up, threateningly, from their…
Read Moreesther and her misaligned ducks
A recent Facebook update and subsequent comments from friends. Becky Haycox: Two men are having a shouting match right below my office window. One man is trying to place blame for the conflict on the absent Esther, who apparently failed to “line up her ducks.” Jeff: Esther is a known serial duck fucker-upper…. Becky: Oh,…
Read Moreshake your …
[To distract myself from my current program of being hungry all the time diet and exercise, I am a little obsessed with clothing and shopping*, mostly of the online window-shopping variety. Hence, some shoe talk is below. Sorry.] My get-out-of-debt mission is going well. As of today, I am square with the IR$ for 2009.…
Read Morethe quiet storm, soft and warm
I recently got to see two of my nearest and dearest, Alison and Danny. Not only did they bring good vibes good news my way (more on that later) but also they directed my attention to something they knew that I would love. And I do. Behold: Time Life’s Classic Soft Rock infomercial. Soft-rock heroes…
Read Morefun with rashes!
So much I don’t divulge here about my sensitive and disorder-prone skin. Future husband, please don’t read this, because Imagonna talk about it now. I have a minor rash on my knee that is itchy. All day I’ve been thinking “itchy knee” which reminded me of “itchy knee sun she go” (which is the vague…
Read Morepretty vacant
If you missed it, I recently moved from one town to another, about 10 miles apart. I temporarily live with an elderly relative. I had been in the place I was living for 6 years, and hadn’t planned on moving as abruptly as I did. I plan to write about the positive aspects of my…
Read Moreif you tolerate mediocre footwear, i don’t want to hear it.
Disturbing instant message conversation with my ex, who apparently has lost his mind while living overseas: Him: If I wore birkenstock sandals would that make me a bad person? Me: i will never speak to you again Him: I heard that wearing them means you have bad tendencies like you could kill puppies with no…
Read Morehot hot huh?
In my car, I like to listen to IQ-lowering radio stations during the summertime; usually I gorge on heavy metal but I found an R&B station that’s better than anything that’s come before. A crazy melange of vintage Prince, panty jams, Brick House-era issue funk, and a lot of Alicia Keys, oh so much Alicia…
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